"Cause I need freedom now
And I need to know how
To live my life how it's meant to be"
- The Cave, Mumford & Sons
Hi, My name is Donniell Silva, and I'm overwhelmed.
The first step to solving a problem is admitting you have one? Right? RIGHT?!
So Peace Corps worldwide has developed this delightful little chart that is supposed to identify critical periods in the life cycle of a Peace Corps Volunteer. Monthly checkpoints highlight issues including the anxiety of your initial departure, uncertainty when arriving in final site, mid-service crises around the one year mark, and so on. Here is what the chart has to say about my current state of mind (being one month away from COS - Close of Service):
Issues:
Trauma of Departure
Concerns about social re-entry
Bridging new and former identity
Redefinition of career
Redefinition of host country
Behaviours/Reactions:
Fright
Confusion
Alienation
Anxiety
Panic
Giddiness
Impatience
Obsession with Planning and Scheduling
Sometimes I like to fault Peace Corps for their lack of thoroughness when it comes to their reference materials for volunteers, but here I believe they've hit the nail on the head. Many things, almost everything, is coming to a head at the moment; last classes at the Dar Chebab, cleaning out my house for the next volunteer, packing up my last suitcase to bring home, saying goodbye to friends and coworkers, saying good bye to my family, then add grad school applications, job hunting, health insurance paperwork, student loan forms... and it all gets lost in a weird emotional amalgamation of what your life should be and could be. Bleurgh.
As my host mother so poignantly put it the other day, ''I can see your heart is still here, but your head may already be in America.'' Ever so steadily, my focus has shifted from my responsibilities here to my expectations at home. Full days and most evenings are dedicated to writing, reviewing, editing, and submitting statements of intent, personal statements, writing samples, and application forms. I can attest to the fact that I've felt every one of those aforementioned emotions - fright, confusion, alienation, anxiety, panic, giddiness, impatience, obsession with planning and scheduling (not that that last one is all that new) - every hour of every day these past few weeks. Those who know me well know that I like to be in control of any given situation - especially, you know, my life. More than wanting my first choice school or wanting my dream job, I just want to KNOW what the balls I'm actually doing after I leave here. I simply want something to work with. This black hole of time, this abyss of nothingness between now and next fall, is driving me absolutely nuts-o.
At the end of the day though, I am aware of how lucky I am, and how things really will be okay. Things will work out, as they always have. I'll continue to work hard and (insha'allah - how am I going to give that up back in the states?) it will eventually pay off. In the brief moments I have had fleeting faith in myself, my friends & family are always there in steady supply.
During our goodbye dinner at the end of our time at COS conference earlier this month, we had assigned superlatives to everyone in our staj. You know - most likely to be famous, most likely to take over the world, most likely to homeless etc. It amused me and simultaneously gave me hope when my staj assigned me the following superlative: "Most likely to attend Comic Con dressed as Josh Lyman... with the resume and experience to back it up." God willing folks, God willing, indeed.
