This guy.

"You know the difference between you and me? I want to be the guy. You want to be the guy, the guy counts on."

- President Bartlett to Josh Lyman, The West Wing

Sometime during season 4

In addition to adding one more reason to the infinite list on why Josh Lyman and I are soul-mates, the aforementioned quote, I have recently realized, succinctly defines my current assessment of self.

Within the scope of career, of relationships, and of life, I've prided myself in being a person - that for lack of a more refined, scholastic term - gets shit done. My resume and past employers would croon over my willingness to do what others might not, to accomplish more than what is asked for, and to do it all with a smile on my face. I consistently expect myself to overcome any self-doubt and push aside any self-interest in order to facilitate the most efficient outcome for that of the greater good.

It is only recently I've been wondering to myself - why? Since a young age, I've seen myself wanting others to foster an image of me as responsible, reliable, and true to my word. In recent conversations with my best friend back in London and my current sitemate-extraordinaire, I've been challenged with assertions such as 'well, why aren't you 'the guy'?', 'what makes you feel the need to carry those expectations?' and 'why can't you just say no?'. Honestly, I'm not really sure what the answers are to any of those questions at the moment.

What I am sure of - after a year of facilitating cross-cultural communication while being a PCV, after a year of lobbying in Orange County for environmental legislation with Greenpeace, and after four years of studying International Relations at a truly international university - is that I'm looking forward to the path I've dictated for myself in being civil servant. Somewhere along the line, whether it be my parents, my superiors, or my surroundings, something has instilled a sense of duty within me I recognize I am not one to avoid.

Despite the difficult times I've been through, will go through, and most certainly am experiencing right now, it's important to contextualize those events and resolve them as not being a part of the bigger picture. F. Scott Fitzgerald once said, 'The test of first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time, and still retain the ability to function.' For me to simultaneously hold the frustration, resentment, and disappointment I may feel at times with my current situation in conjunction with the perspective, hope, and determination I have to not only make it work, but to make it better, I believe speaks to what Mr. Fitzgerald was alluding to.

To put it very ineloquently - I do believe I embody a certain level of intelligence, and I want to use that power for good and not evil.

So I address this to you, future bad guys - watch out. This guy, a guy some other important guy counts on, is ready to battle.

Ps. I truly apologize for any self-righteousness or pompousness that may have come across during this entry. I simply felt compelled to put my internal mission statement to paper, er, blog.