As it were, I worked my ass off last year. I gave 110%. I was a freaking PCV poster child. And I happened to feel like crap for most of that year. Let me explain. Any afternoon that I spent in my house reading, I ended up feeling guilty instead of relaxed. Every lunch extravaganza spent with the sitemate, I felt culpable rather than indulgent. Every opportunity given to travel outside of site, I felt reprehensible more than excited. Every 'American' moment I spent in country, I felt like I stole. Somehow, it seemed PST (Pre-Service Training) had instilled a fear in me more than a honed moral code.
To combat this ever-present self-reproach, I had decided to add more classes to my schedule at the Dar Chebab. I declined invitations to regional collaborations to be in-site as much as possible. I took four days vacation in a span of 16 months. And I ended up feeling pretty glass-half-empty by the time Thanksgiving rolled around.
It was as if I thought depriving myself of 'American' time was supposed to make me a better volunteer or something. PCVs can get it in their heads that the only way to be a good PCV is to integrate as efficiently as possible. And at some point or another, every PCV makes the mistake of confusing 'efficiently' with 'completely'. We become anxious. We get caught up over not having roughed-it enough or not continuously committing enough. We tend to lapse into brief periods of losing ourselves because we've submersed ourselves in Moroccan-ness beyond the call of duty; sacrificing a lot of our happiness along the way. Collectively, we need to chill the heck out.
Going home for the winter holidays was the single best thing I could have done for my service.
And my sanity.
It helped me realign my priorities in regards to why I'm here and why I want to continue doing the work that I'm doing. It helped me appreciate the short amount of time I have left here in Sedona-miz and to enjoy that time doing what makes me happy with the many people in my community I truly care about. It reassured me that I am, indeed, working my proverbial ass off and I do deserve a break every once in a while. I was reminded that even though I decided to give up my previous life to spend two and a half years here in North Africa, I am still entitled to having an actual life.
I (thankfully) came to realize that it's totally within reason to stay at home and read sometimes, I don't have to attend every tea or lunch invitation given -my community isn't going to 'tell on me' if I don't make it to every couscous Friday. I don't have to stay in-site just for the sake of staying in-site. If a better opportunity to collaborate or help train presents itself somewhere else, that just so happens to be outside of Sedona-miz, then so be it. I don't have to judge myself or be judged because I'm spending my next few holidays outside of the country for two of my closest friends' weddings, instead of staying in Morocco for them. I didn't come here to be a martyr. None of us did. We came here to learn. We came here to help. We came here to live. And that's exactly what I intend on doing for the duration of my time here.
In order to do our best work as PCVs, we need to better learn how to balance our time. We need to ration our American-ness more liberally into our now almost completely Moroccan lives. Without our own scope of mind, confidence in who we are, and fulfillment in our own lives, how are we supposed to help others find their way?
score:)
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